What I really meant to say …

What I really meant to say …

rhoda1I wanted to share with you something I wrote while I was on my Writer’s Retreat back in the end of February. You, my lovely and human patients, came to mind later when I read this, because I so often am faced with clients asking me if I can basically stop them from aging or make them young again, give them the same energy they had at 20, or the same body shape and abilities. We all wish for this, and I thought it might help to hear that I do, too.

In the workshop, we were given the prompt, “What I really meant to say…..”. I wrote:

What I really meant to say was lost in the gap of my missing teeth. Who knew that losing two upper molars would cause my tongue to slip and slide sideways and not continue to smoothly perform its’ talking function? Each time, it surprises me that the words are not coming out the way I intended, some kind of mishap between what forms in my brain and comes out of my mouth. It frustrates me, feels slightly embarrassing and freaks me out a little. It feels like a precursor of what’s to come as I age and things begin, well, continue, to not work as I expect. Teeth don’t stay put,  the back can no longer pick up four-year-old children, energy can no longer maintain me for twelve hour days. I realize my image of my–self had not included this falling apart stuff, aging. Don’t we all imagine ourselves as still 25 years old? Even my 86 year old mother says she imagines herself as 40. And yet it is normal, something that happens over and over again to everyone we know; I knew aging would happen, but I denied it. My mind playing tricks on me once again, funny to think about one part of my brain thinking it is amazed by how another part keeps playing these tricks. Delusions of stasis and forever-ness and when I get “there” it will be better, delusions that I guess bring me some kind of peace at the moment. Part of being human, I plod along, watching it, surprised, embarrassed, amazed and then amused. O Silly Me, silly us, people, just being people. Coming together, falling apart, and wishing we had said something else.

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